Beneath General Sherman's Horse

Anger.

At Anger Management the councilors have claimed that we possess three-second trigger defenses before we pull the trigger. I have always begged to differ. My anger trigger is 'now'. This afternoon I was on a pleasant walk through lower Central Park from my hospital. Exiting from the zoo I strolled to 60th Street listening to Pharaoh Sanders. Bloodwork proved I was healthy and I was wearing a black double-breasted Burberry suit with a leather jacket under it. The weather was warmish after the previous week of sub-zero conditions.

Two young men kicked a football before General Sherman's golden equestrian statue. Duke's front right hoof raised signified Sherman's having sustained multiple wounds and having three horses shot from under him at the Civil War battle of Shiloh. The football players weren't doing anything really wrong other than obstructing my path. Annoyed I veered close to the white boy. Within a foot. The ball hit my ass and I spun on the heels of my Italian loafers. The young man and his black friend backed up fast. THe white boy had a squirrel tail haircut like most of the boys of his generation.

It's called 'the Alpaca' popularized by the Kansas City

"Motherfucker."

His black friend dragged him out my range. About three feet. At 72 I still have some run left in my legs. "You called me motherfucker." White Boy said, as if no one had ever cursed him. Milleniels have a different youth than those young with an unlimited lexicon of profanity.

"Yes, I meant it too."

"We weren't doing anything wrong." Nobody these days, young an dold, recognized ill manners. I was brought up with Emily Post's ETIQUETTE drilled into adolescents at all times.

"Please" and "thank you," holding doors, chewing with our mouths closed, dressing appropriately, shaking hands—these are all manners."

Most Americans dress in gym clothing.

"You weren't doing anything right either. I wanted to walk where I was going. I didn't want to step a foot out of my way. You were oblivious to my space. So I thought to myself, "Fuck you, little motherfucker."

"Can you stop calling me motherfucker and just walk away."

"Now you're telling me what to do, mother fucker."

The soccer ball was at his feet. Three feet away. I so wanted to kick it into the 5th Avenue traffic. I remembered my work at the Anger Managment group meetings. Conflict and resolution. Violence wasn't an option in these days of cellphones. People always record fights. "This is a statue of General Sherman, who brought the Wrath of the North onto the slave-holding Deep South. At the Battle of Shiloh he was wounded three times and his horse Duke also was shot, which is why his hoof is raised for his rider's wounds." "So why you call me a motherfucker?" "Because you kicked a ball in my ass. NOt the same as getting shot three times, but what the fuck. One time I threw a football in the Louvre. You know what that is?"

"Throwing a football?"

"Yeah."

We punched fists and I walked away, as they resumed their play.

And yes, I had caught a thrown football in the Louvre 1983."

Go long, and yes I am a hypocrtite, but there was no one there. Not making excuses, just telling the truth.

Thai No Nos

Last night I left Chinatown and surveyed the skyline shimmering under a clear sky dotted by the few stars strong enough to pierce New York's light umbrella. It was hot and sweat dripped from my hair and I thought that my last hair-cut had been in Thailand.

Three months ago.

I could trim my scalp later, then I remembered Mam's warning that you shouldn't cut your hair at night and never on Wednesday. The rising moon would be setting in Sri Racha. I phoned across the globe. My wife sleepily told me that both were against Thai tradition. I hung up for her to return to sleep and continued walking over the Brooklyn Bridge, wondering how this prohibition came into being.

Upon reaching my top-floor apartment in Fort Green I sat at my MacBook Pro.

A search of Google revealed nothing about the edict against cutting hair at night, although I suspected it has something to do with the night-cutter's night vision, however a website suggested that the Wednesday ban can be attributed to the centuries of the royal family having their hair trimmed on Wednesday during the day and commoners i.e. serfs are banned from any royal behavior.

Only trusted stylists were allowed this privilege to avoid the theft of the noble hair for the purpose of magic.

The tradition was also steeped with superstition, but then I'm half-Irish and we believe in leprechauns.

Other Thai Superstitions:

(1) Don't whistle at night because you will invite ghosts into your house. (2) Don't let women eat chicken feet because they will have an affair (3) Do not let pregnant women whistle because her baby will have a crooked mouth (4) Do not allow an adult pay respect to a child (wai) because that child will have a shortened life (5) Do not joke while you are eating because the ghost will steal your rice (6) Do not cover your head when you go to a temple because this will make you bald (7) Do not sharpen a knife at night time because you will offend the angels (8) Do not look at naked people because your eyes will become swollen (9) Do not have sexual intercourse on holy days (wan phra) because bad things will happen. (10) Do not let the bride and the groom meet three days before the wedding because their marriage will not last (11) Do not smile while sowing corn because it won't grow (12) Do not stand in a doorway because a ghost will enter the house (13) Do not sew at night because the ghost will haunt you (14) Do not throw money away because you will lose your finger (15) Do not sing while you are eating because the ghost will curse you. Of course most farangs don't believe in superstitions. Only the Irish are smart enough to know better.

Eating On The Run

No animal eat on the run.

Not lions, tigers, or bears.

Cows, sheep, and goats meandered as they grazed, but only humans walk and eat at the same time and most of those achieving this dubious goal are Americans.

Every day I see people on the go holding hands with a cup of coffee or else stuffing their faces with a bagel. I was probably guilty of the same sin in inetiquette prior, but have cut down the occasions to the rare scarfing down a slice of pizza, when I have to be someplace.

Even I'm not perfect.

We are what we eat and even more so how we eat.

Fast food makes for fast eating and fast eating makes for fat people.

The Rules of Modern Manhood

During my last sojourn to Pattaya I was sitting with Fenway's mom and several Thai women. They extolled my eating spicy food. I mentioned that most Thai men don’t eat food dosed with chili. The two nearby Thai men argued, “Kin pet dai.”

“So you eat sum tam?” I asked about the fiery mango salad.

“Can eat.” Mam was proud of my dining prowess.

“Thai men can eat spicy food." One of Mam's friends said pointing at the two Thai men. They were typically too macho. "Only gay men can’t eat aharn pet.”

I decided to follow this sweeping generalization with another.

“That means all farang men are gay because they can eat spicy food.”

“Not you. Khun kin dai.” Mam knew that I was all man. We had sex oftne, but she had never caught me watching ladyboy porno. I suffered no pangs of homophobia or glua gai, then again because of the massive changes in society no one knows what who might be gay, however there are some new rules sent to me by a good male friend

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

3: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

4: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

7: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

9: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

10: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

11: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

12: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated cunts until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

13: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

14: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

15: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

16: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

17: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

18: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

Up Or Down

Toilets were invented in the third modern millennium BC and the question of toilet seat up or down has plagued mankind throughout the ages. Men lift the seat to prevent splatter and women keep it down during their business. Men sometimes forget to put down the seat, creating the potential for a woman rushing into the bathroom to relieve herself only to dunk her butt onto the porcelain bowl. Men call this the moon dunk. Women fail to find this term humorous, but some females consider sitting on a toilet seat dirty and cover it with toilet paper. The more the merrier. A woman explained the conundrum by saying, "Men are always moving some part of the lavatory up or down - seat up to pee, seat down to poo. So they're used to the machinations. Women, on the other hand, don't need to move nuthin' - never (unless a man was there before her). It's annoying - simple as that." Mystery solved or open for discussion. Personally I leave up the toilet seat so women will know I didn't wet it. I call that being considerate. Women call it something else. None of it good.

Thai Ties

Every time I visit my tailor for shirts, he asks why I don't buy any ties. I tell Pinky that I wore them for most of my life and don't see the point of wearing them in Pattaya. Like who am I trying to impress?

My drunken friends or the madam of the Buffalo Bar?

I don't think so, but occasionally I spot farang men wearing ties in Pattaya. Most look like missionaries, however it got me to thinking on what occasion would a tie be appropriate in Thailand.

The four most popular reasons in the West for wearing a tie are weddings, funerals, seeing a judge in court, and because your stupid boss told you to wear one.

Sporting a cravat at your wedding sets a bad impression in that your Thai relatives might think you have more money than they had previously imagined and they'll start hounding your loving bride to fleece you at a previously unimaginable rate. Not that she wants to exploit you, but Thai women put their families before a farang. It's just the natural order of things.

Funerals is another event for a tie, however no one is going to waste 100 baht of buying you a tie if you are a stiff. A farang would be lucky to get a clean set of clothing on your corpse for your final voyage to the homeland or the nearest incinerator.

A tie presents respectability in a court of law back in the West and the same value is matched in Thailand. The judge will look at you standing there all handsome and say, "Alright, add a zero to the fine."

Finally the work place.

Unless you are a salaried wage slave for a corporation sucking out your life's blood, then there is no acceptable reason to wear a tie, unless it is to goof on those who have to wear a tie every day and in that case wear the loudest and most out-of-date tie possible and by all means don't worry about any food stains. After all ties started out as scarves that we used for wiping your mouth after a good meal. Why should now be any different?