An Orgasm of Sneezes

Der Speyer by FX Messerschmidt.

Franz Xavier Messerschmidt stunned the Baroque Age with his sculptures of contorted facial expressions. The artist lost favor with the Viennese court and he retreated to Swabian Alps to complete the 64 studies while studying necromancy under the influence of the pagan prophet Hermes Trismegistus. My Art 101 professor at Boston College introduced this extraordinary sculptor to his class through ART 101 at Boston College and I thought of Franz Xavier Messerschmidt upon seeing this photo collection of women.

They seem to be in the throes of orgasm, but they actually are in the process of sneezing.

Neither a sneeze nor an orgasm lasts long, unless you fake it.

Finish Line in Thailand

"I finish only with you." These words almost sounds true coming from the lips of a Soi 6 short-timer. She doesn't know your name. Your penis will be forgotten shortly after the apres-sex shower, but farangs inevitably ask, "Really?"

"You #1. Big too." This compliment can earned her a tip for a man, whether he be Thai or Farang, since we like compliments about performance as much as a woman enjoys foreplay.

"Really?"

Saying the right thing could earn another 100 or 200 baht.

"You make me finish. Never finish with man before."

And this is almost the truth. My friend Ort worked Soi 6 and she said, "I never finish. Not one time."

Ort was cute.

She had customers all the time.

4 a day. 5 days a week. 200 men a year.

Not one orgasm and I believed her, since a survey by the condom maker DUREX revealed that 54% of Thai couples failed to reach satisfaction.

"Men only care about men." Ort told me. "Uh uh uh. Finish. Not care about lady."

"I want finish I tok-phet." This was Thai for how a lady masturbate and has something to do with a duck. "Or maybe have other girl help me. Not gay. Not lesbian. Sometimes want finish too lazy to do myself."

"What about with me?"

"You different. I know you long time. We have sex many times. I finish with you because you know what I want."

"I'm a stud." I like hearing the lie, but if you spend 3.9 minutes more on foreplay according to that survey you can be a stud too.

But why bother?

I am a man.

Man Or Beast

The bedroom in my old East Village apartment faced an air-shaft. One summer evening I had to listen to a woman in the throes of pleasure for hours. My hillbilly girlfriend hollered for her to shut up. She was more the quiet type. The same scenario repeated itself night after night. Moving into the living slightly eased the noise. My girlfriend and I figured the woman was living two stories above us and my friend was giving her the business. My girlfriend wanted me to speak with him and the next morning I confronted Bill on the stairs. "We need to talk." "Yeah, we do." "Can you do something about your girl's screaming?" "My girl's screaming? I thought it was you." "No, it's not me." "Well, if not you, then who?" The door opened for the fourth floor apartment and out stepped two very content-looking females. One was petite and the other was three times the man Bill and I would ever be in this lifetime. We moved out of their way. Even back in the 70s a man knew his place amongst his betters.

Orgasm Mai Ching

Back in 1991I had sex with a Thai woman, who writhed in passion with her bones crackling like popcorn. At the end of an hour the twenty-year old Isaan native said, "I finish many times. You #1." I tipped the Marine Disco free-lancer an extra 200 baht and was very proud of my stud accomplishment, until hearing the same line during several subsequent encounters with other Thai women set afire by the ardor of my devotion. The tips got smaller and smaller, for their praise was either the truth or a lie and I was man enough to admit that perhaps these women might have been faking their finish. Ching ching or mai ching. A 2008 survey stated that 70% of Thai women don't experience an orgasm during sex. They feel nothing, while 79% of Thai men say that they have good sex without caring about their partner's needs. Foreplay is taboo for most men and western females are in agreement with their Thai sister. Orgasm is a rare occurrence, due to their sex partners' lack of foreplay, then again women have to realize that for most of a man's sexually formative life, we are forbidden by girls to touch their breasts or any other erogenous zones, so that by the time women actually want foreplay we've been preconditioned to consider most of their erogenous zones as off-limits.

This theory comes from Nick Hornsby's HIGH FIDELITY, but I have heard many Thai women swear that they never had an orgasm with their Thai boyfriend.

"He too quick. Only care for him."

Also Thai women have a problem with feeling free, since good girls wouldn't enjoy sex.

Only dok thongs or sluts like sex.

Not so, because while you can't eat love, it sure fills the heart when two come together as one. And I know, because no one ever fakes orgasm with me. NOt even me.