Always Tell the Truth

During my trip through the American Midlands my British friend and I met up with Colonel Rockford ret. in Iowa City. We started the evening drinking in a sports bar. We went outside to smoke and I overheard a trio of fat Midwesterners disparaging the President. My feelings about GW Bush are well-known, so I let them vent their frustration, however when one said that 'this country was founded on Conservative values'. I stormed over to say, "This country was founded on life liberty and the pursuit of happiness, so shut the fuck up about 'Conservative values'."

"What about the Freedom of Speech?" Colonel Rockford was a firm believer in speaking your mind as long as it was everyone else thought. He held that most people should speak much more than that.

"Fuck the Freedom of Speech?" I was more than angry after eight years of hearing Conservatives bullshit about family values. "I'll say what I want and I'll tell anyone to shut up when I want too. That's my Freedom of Speech."

"I don't think I saw that in the Constitution." My British friend politely interject and then added, "And to be truthful this country is very conservative. Look at what happened to your Senator Gary Hart in 1988."

"Gary Hart?" I hadn't thought about the Colorado senator in years.

"Yes, he was the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination in the 1988 election." My British friend's erudite tones had the rest of the smokers listening to his every word. "Right up to the moment when the Miami Herald published photos of Donna Rice sitting on his lap."

"On the yacht MONKEY BUSINESS." Colonel Rockford had a good memory for a man in his early-60s.

"Aptly named. The Senator denied there was an 'hanky-panky'. Even his wife said the relationship was innocent."

"The wife is always the last to know." Colonel Rockford lit another cigarette.

"His poll rankings sunk to the point where he only received 4000 votes in the New Hampshire primary,. but if he had said, "Sure I screwed her and so would you all, Gary Hart would have gotten every male vote and free love vote in America. And despite what some of you think." My British friend was staring at the three Conservatives with pity. "People in America and the rest of the world are sinners. Not Conservative, but fun-loving happiness seekers. But no one likes a liar other than those people who don't want to look at themselves in a mirror."

We returned to our drinks and my British friend said, "America may be Conservative but most Americans thought that Gary Hart's indiscretion had little to do with his ability to be president."

"But they got Dukakis to run against Bush." I remembered the photo of Dukakis' head sticking out of a tank. He wouldn't have looked just as silly with Donna Rice on his lap.

"Now that was one unsexy guy." Colonel Rockford shivered with the memory of that election. "I voted Communist that year. Gus Hall I think. And he was even more unsexy. All Gary Hart had to have done was say, "I fucked her and so would you." and he would have been president like your English friend said."

"The truth will set you free."


And as for having sex with Donna rice in 1987.

You bet I would have and I wasn't even running for President.