Unschlocking the Schlong

WRITTEN 6/26/12

German courts have banned circumcision of older boys on the grounds that the traditional cutting off of the male foreskin causes the child bodily harm. In babies the healing process takes up to 10 days, but for older boys the scar will remain for months. Jews and Muslims angrily protested such a judgment as an attack on religious freedom.

I was circumcised at birth. My parents were told that the procedure was painless and my penis would be cleaner than someone with a foreskin. I had no choice in this matter. The doctor sliced off my foreskin and that was that.

As a boy we heard the following joke.

A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughtout his career he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir. He takes his specimens to a leathersmith and asks him to make something out of them. A week later the surgeon returns and the leathersmith presents him with a wallet.

"All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?" exclaims the surgeon.

The leathersmith replies, "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

None of us who were circumcised found any humor in the joke, because circumcision takes away more than a snip of skin. The total area of skin removed from the penis is about the size of a 3" X 5" index card and with this loss of elasticity the skin becomes taut thereby shortening the penis by a 1/2 inch.

Not much doctors say to guarantee cleanliness, except in coitus the phantom nerves of my absent foreskin ask me, "Why?"

The origins of circumcision lay in ancient times. Some scholars of antiquity consider it a rite of passage or religious sacrifice pointing to Egyptian hieroglyphics, although the man in the image looks more like he is being punished for a crime, since his hands are restrained by another man.

In the Victorian era English doctors prescribed the the theory that circumcision would prevent masturbation in young boys. I have disproved that hypothesis thousands of times as a boy and a man without the pleasure of that extra length or sensitive flesh.

My foreskin is gone.

The operation was performed at Boston Lying-In for Women.

It did not accompany me home.

I doubt it was buried with respect.

In fact it might have been used for cosmetics.

Years ago at the Bangkok-Pattaya hospital I looked into the possibility of a foreskin reconstruction. The Thai doctors shook their heads. They were good at transforming men into women or re-attached penis cut off my angry wives, however there was no procedure for replacing my foreskin.

There is no unschlocking the schlong.

And that is the final cut.

Pierced Naked Cock

San Francisco has well deserved reputation for open sexuality and three years ago nudists colonized a Castro plaza to express the joy of nakedness, however residents have complained to the gay district supervisor not about the nudity, but how the cock rings worn by several men seem to perpetuate erections, for sexual arousal is against the rules. Supervisor Weiner was very prudish about the display of piercings. “People can have whatever view they want to have on public nudity in general. But to be walking around with a cock ring on or something similar is just not acceptable, responsible behavior. The whole purpose of a cock ring is to draw attention to that area." I don't live SF, but nudists are allowed on public transportation. Most of the images are of these men past their prime, so the idea of riding a 'cable car to the stars' with a hairy overweight tattooed brute with an eternal hard-on doesn't fit into my definition of an appealing tourist attraction, but then I'm a little pass my prime too.

Morte A Coca Cola

Coca-Cola is the world's most famous brand. Its sodas are sold in more than 200 countries and the corporation is a big sponsor of the 2012 London Olympics, but this week Bolivia announced that Coa-Cola will not be available after the end of the Mayan calendar. “December 21 of 2012 will be the end of egoism and division. December 21 should be the end of Coca-Cola,” said Bolivian foreign minister David Choquehuanca and added, “The planets will align for the first time in 26,000 years and this is the end of capitalism and the beginning of communitarianism." Bolivia doesn't have a McDonald's, since the fast food chain had failed to operate in the red for ten years. I stopped drinking Coca-Cola years ago, which only hurts when I want a Cuba Libre, so I'm in accord with Bolivian President Evo Morales' rejection of the global giant. As for his plans to legalize coca leaf consumption. It really is the pause that refreshes.

The Endangered Money Shot

The term 'money shot' originally referred to an expensive FX scene like the car chase in BULLITT, however the XXX industry kidnapped the phrase to describe the moment of male ejaculation preferably on the female lead. Wikipedia reported that Stephen Ziplow's The Film Maker's Guide to Pornography (1977), stated, "There are those who believe that the come shot, or, as some refer to it, 'the money shot', is the most important element in the movie and that everything else (if necessary) should be sacrificed at its expense. Of course, this depends on the outlook of the producer, but the one thing is for sure: if you don't have the come shots, you don't have a porno picture." The 'money shot' debuted in the 60s and 70s as porno actresses rejected internal ejaculation as a inappropriate if not rude according to Joseph Slade. Coitus interruptus also protected the women from unwanted pregnancies, for condom in XXX films were rarer than nuns at an orgy, however AIDS activists are insisting on condom protection for actors and actresses throughout the XXX world. Viewers of these DVDs have never cottoned to condom in hardcore films and the industry fears a loss of income in a business already threatened by saturation and online piracy. That phenomena may come to an end as health campaigners in California have applied for a ballot to enforce condom use in the XXX industry in November. Porno producers have threatened move their multi-billion dollar industry out of the city without saying where. Could this be the end to North North Hollywood?

Ban On Fatsos

Last night I watched the late George Carlin take fat people to task for being obese. "I use the word "fat." I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight. There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat!" Fat people hate hearing this shit, but more to the point fat people are fat. Worse is that they make excuses for being fat, such as; I'll start my diet tomorrow, I have Bad Genes, I have slow metabolism, Everyone in my family is fat, I can't stand the taste of healthy food, Why should I lose weight, I'm married, At my age, it's hard to lose weight, I want to die happy, and hundreds of other lame excuses for weighing as much as five Chinamen. I'm overweight for a couple of reasons. I drink beer, wine, and alcohol, but no thing I don't drink is that oversized bullshit soda sold at 7/11, movie multiplex, or sports arena. This week my least favorite mayor of New York attempted to ban large containers of soda. Soft drink advocates screamed out bloody murder about this dictatorial mandate and ads hit the papers stating that America is not a socialist country and there is no proof that soft drinks cause obesity. People addicted to soft drinks whined that their freedom of choice was being eroded by Mayor Bloomberg's decision without taking a look in the mirror to see the truth. America is fat and fat people cost the rest of us billions of dollars, not to mention that their sweating is one of the major causes of global warming, but if this country was really serious about losing weight than we should open our borders to cocaine, for nothing takes off the weight faster than a coke binge and cocaine really is the Real Thing.