Ice Age Fini 2022

The last Ice Age ended somewhere around 11,700 years ago.

Since then glacier around the globe have shrunk from the North and South Poles.

In 2017 I resided in Juneau, Alaska. The Mendenhall glacier was fourteen miles from my house. I have yet to hike the Western Trail to the ice caves.

The couple running the salmon shack near my place of work said I had better go this year.

"Next year they won't be here."

I planned to hump the trail this coming Friday.

5-6 hours.

Alone.

In bear country.

But fuck it.

I am one of the last Neanderthals.

We loved the Ice Age.

Mostly because they were no humans.

The Last Tree in the World

The right have long suspected Global Warming as a propaganda device foisted on the masses to prevent them from riding SUVs, but these millions of fat people sweat too much, which is the main cause for the temperature rise. I'm also overweight, although most of it is beer bloat.

If you are not part of the solution then you are part of the problem. I find myself using more toilet paper.

Why?

More food.

More shit.

More toilet paper and one day the world will run out of trees.

No toilet paper is only one of the losses from Global Warming.

The President of Exxon says that humans will adapt, but what about the dogs?

They need those trees, so you fat fucks out there and I'm one of them.

Wipe your ass less.

Fat is Beautiful for Feminists

Several summers ago Jamie Parker drove up on his motorcycle from Pattaya to Sriracha. Mutual friends back in the States had been casting aspersions against the paternity of my son. Mam had heard the same from her family. She offered to submit Fenway to a DNA test. I wasn't having any part of it. I knew he was mine, but said nothing as Jamie entered my house.

Fenway was watching Ultraman. He lifted his head for a second. His eyes shifted to his mother and me. I half-expected him to cry, when Jamie picked him up in his arms. The skinny ex-convict was scary to most people, but Fenway stared him cold-blank in the eyes.

"Damn, the Thai gene is strong, but yours is stronger. I feel like I'm looking back into the past. Fuck everyone in America. They're all KKK." Jamie put down Fenway. My son returned his concentration to the cartoon. "Good-looking boy. Same as his dad."

"Thanks."

"Only telling the truth." Jamie was from New York. White Boy same as me. We knew each other 30 years. Many of them no good. The bank robber had moved to Thailand after 9/11. He spoke Thai better than me. Jamie wai-ed Mam. He pointed Fenway's and my faces. "Just like looking in a mirror."

"Thank you." Mam was grateful for the compliment, but still wanted to prove her doubters wrong. I didn't care. Fenway was handsome. Same as his father. That was good enough for me.

Mam cooked food, while Jamie and I drank Leo beer on the porch. The neighbors strolled by the house. Sricracha isn't Pattaya. Farangs are an oddity. We paid the gawkers no mind. Jamie and I were oddities back in the States too.

"How's it back in the City?"

"Okay, but the fat people are taking over America." At 90 kilos I was no longer considered overweight. My jackets had shrunk in size from XL to L. My BMI told a different story.

"That's what I heard and I blame them for Global Warming."

"How so?" I had a feeling Jamie was regurgitating some of my old blather, but I was curious about his re-interpretation.

"Think of those millions of fat people's body temperatures and their sweating on a warm day and don't forget about the friction of the wind hitting their plus-35 BMI." Jamie’s previous theory about global warming had to do with Earth passing through a warmer section of outer space left over from the Creation, which got him a job with the GOP. It lasted about three weeks.

I’m much kinder to fat people, for unlike Jamie who’s very thin, I have suffered from Orson Wellesitis throughout my life. Not that I ever challenged the fakir of fat, although I once found a his cape at a Provincetown antique store. The owner wanted $200 to the circus tent. I offered him $50 cash. He turned me down, but I think about Orson often.

He was big and so is most of America. Bigger than big, however many of these over-sized people think of themselves as normal, especially the women and no one forgives these little elephants more than feminists who are constantly fighting man’s attempt to focus beauty on one ideal form ie a skinny model or a sex bomb starlet.

Skinny is not normal for feminists according to a UK study. Members of a survey shown a set of photos of women were asked to identify with the fattest and thinnest women in the photos. Most women picked fat.

After all most women are fat if only to project enough body mass to scare men from having sex with them and I can’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to have sex with me either.

Fat women of the world unite, but I have to warn them not in one place, because I wouldn’t want the crust of the Earth to collapse.

And neither would Fenway.

He still has a lot of living left in his tank.

Ice Cream In Winter

From Dave Henderson

The most coherent explanation for global warming I have ever heard. Courtesy of Mr Peter Nolan Smith

"People have abandoned the Bible and now are going to hell in record numbers. Most American sinners are fat. Fat people burn hotter. Hell is hotter. The earth is hotter. Pure science."

Even ice cream melts in hell.

President Fatso

# 45 XXXXXL won the 2016 Electoral College, because at people i America decided that they wanted one of their own in the Oval Office.

I recently mentioned my theory to my older brother, who replied that fat comments were not appropriate.

"I'm more than chubby."

"But you're skinny in comparison to Trump."

"Agreed. Maybe he should wear black."

You mean like Orson Welles."

The famed director weighed over 500 pounds at the time of death from a heart attack.

I can't attack Welles too much.

He was an atheist.

"No, I mean the one and only Man in Black, Johnny Cash."

"Don't you dare mention his name in the same sentence as # 45." Frunk and I had seen Johnny Cash in HOOTNANNY 65.

We were that old.

And Trump wasn't that much older, but damn that man is fat.

And let's not forget.

Stupid.

Not like brother and me.

We were thin once.

And so was Trump as an orphan in Pakistan.

Actually he was fat then too.

The abandoned son of a KGB officer.

Last name - Putin.

Vladimir Spiridonovich Putin.

Which means Donald Trump in Russian"

It now makes sense.

The fat people allied themselves with the KGB.

And none of them wear black.

Dank Himmel.

Hotter Than Before Almost

The Friends of Science actively refute the majority of scientists churning out warnings about the threat of Global Warming. The Hoaxist website disputes the claims of the radical rise in temperatures, the danger of man's carbon footprint on the planet, global warming's adverse effect on weather patterns as well as the shrinkage of glaciers and polar ice packs by stating that Earth's atmosphere is in a constant state of flux with Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe leading the charge as a member of the Senate's Standing Committee on Environment. Last summer when a relentless heat wave scorched the South and central states with a merciless stretch on triple-digit temperatures, Senator Inhofe argued on the floor of the Senate that global warming was a hoax. Several of his opponents booed his assessment as denialism.

According to the New Times a third of the nation’s population experienced 10 or more days of summer temperatures exceeding 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Among the cities that set temperature records in 2012 were Nashville; Athens, Ga.; and Cairo, Ill., all of which hit 109 degrees on June 29; Greenville, S.C., which hit 107 degrees on July 1; and Lamar, Colo., which hit 112 degrees on June 27. The City's Observer Newspaper argued that New York surpassed the previous record of 106F from 1934 with thermometers topping 107 on July 7, 2012. I was in Thailand on that day, so I cannot verify that information, but I am a believer in Global Warming, however have differed from the majority consensus on the causes of climate change. My good friend Jamie Parker avowed that the planetary increase in temperature was a result from our Solar System passing through a warmer region of space. I theorized that sweating fat people added to the problem. Both of conjectures were trumped by my counterpart in religion, the ex-model from Paris, has sent a damning email claiming the prime reason for global warming is that many people have lost their faith in God and after dying they are sent to Hell. "More sinners to burn, the warmer the planet, plus people are fatter than before so they burn in Hell hotter." Jamie and I agreed that this made sense, if you believed in an after-life. So repent sinners and save the world. There will be no smoothies in Hell.

Bag Of Gas

Two night ago NJ governor Chris Christie to the stage of the GOP convention in Tampa. "Thank you! Thank you all very much. Thank you. Well, this stage and this moment are very improbable for me, a New Jersey Republican." According to Fox News the rotund speaker said the word "I" 37 times, "Romney" seven times, and "jobs" one time in his speech I counted him saying the word 'believe' twenty-four times, saying 'believe me' twice in a row. Manny my old boss from 47th Street said more than once, "Never trust anyone who says believe me. Especially if they say it so fast." Manny trusted no one and he's still at his desk on 47th Street. ps Chritie was speaking to one county in his state. Monmouth county. It's the fattest county in New Jersey led by Donna Simpson, who's trying to become the fattest woman in the world. ps Ms. XXXXXXXL has yet to announce her party allegiance this year.

The Last Tree in the World

The right have long suspected Global Warming as a propaganda device foisted on the masses to keep them from riding SUVs. Personally I blame GW on the millions of fat people sweating too much, which I have come to realize with the recent addition of 10 kilos of winter weight, mostly of it beer bloat. If you are not part of the solution then you are part of the problem. I find myself using more toilet paper. Why?

More food.

More shit.

More toilet paper and one day the world will run out of trees.

No toilet paper is only one of the losses from Global Warming. The President of Exxon says that humans will adapt, but what about the dogs? They need those trees, so you fat fucks out there and I'm one of them.

Wipe your ass less.

Ban On Fatsos

Last night I watched the late George Carlin take fat people to task for being obese. "I use the word "fat." I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight. There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat!" Fat people hate hearing this shit, but more to the point fat people are fat. Worse is that they make excuses for being fat, such as; I'll start my diet tomorrow, I have Bad Genes, I have slow metabolism, Everyone in my family is fat, I can't stand the taste of healthy food, Why should I lose weight, I'm married, At my age, it's hard to lose weight, I want to die happy, and hundreds of other lame excuses for weighing as much as five Chinamen. I'm overweight for a couple of reasons. I drink beer, wine, and alcohol, but no thing I don't drink is that oversized bullshit soda sold at 7/11, movie multiplex, or sports arena. This week my least favorite mayor of New York attempted to ban large containers of soda. Soft drink advocates screamed out bloody murder about this dictatorial mandate and ads hit the papers stating that America is not a socialist country and there is no proof that soft drinks cause obesity. People addicted to soft drinks whined that their freedom of choice was being eroded by Mayor Bloomberg's decision without taking a look in the mirror to see the truth. America is fat and fat people cost the rest of us billions of dollars, not to mention that their sweating is one of the major causes of global warming, but if this country was really serious about losing weight than we should open our borders to cocaine, for nothing takes off the weight faster than a coke binge and cocaine really is the Real Thing.