Hardness Factor

Men have many expressions for an erect penis; tentpole, boner, dong, love muscle, one-eyed monster, schlong, and third leg just for a few. Size is a source of pride as well as penile hardness. There is no shame in size, but judging from the spam in my email account the vast majority of American men suffer from erectile dysfunction or ED. Few men speak openly about Softitis, but billions of dollars have filled the coffers of Pfizer Drugs from the sale of Viagra in order that men of all ages can achieve a guaranteed woodie from ingesting a pill, instead of depending on this libido.

“I’m a man.” sang the Yardbirds in 1966 and several years the Journal of Sexual Medicine surveyed thousands of men to gain a consensus about the degrees of penile hardness, coming up with The Erection Hardness Score or EHS .Patients were asked to rate their hardness on a scale from 1-4. Women were also included in this survey to cast a more objective opinion.

The results were as follows;

EH Stage 1. Penis is larger but not hard (severe ED)

A classic pre-mature erection or softie.

EH Stage 2. Penis is hard, but not hard enough for penetration.

A so-so.

Most men will resort to oral sex in the vain hope they will hit critical arousal mass. It’s not a bad tactic, since ED can come from mental stress.

Like do I really want to have sex with my wife?

If I fake an orgasm, will she believe me?

Don't sweat the cashew state with your wife, gentlemen.

Viagra was invented for men with incompatible partners, especially when their eyes say they don’t want have anything to do with your Johnson.

“It might be broken.” Most men think after too much of that look.

EH Stage 3. Penis is hard enough for penetration but not completely hard (mild ED).

This isn’t a problem as long as your partner is responsive to your needs to satisfy her needs.

“Can I get some help?”

And we know what help means, for while the State of Georgia might regard sodomy ie fellatio a sin, Bill Clinton rightfully placed a BJ outside the boundaries of sex so that it is now more like a handshake between good friends.

Remember the word ‘help’, ladies, since it takes two to tango.

Finally EH Stage 4. Penis is completely hard and fully rigid (no ED).

Hard beautiful wood.

This rating system was destined to help women and men discuss the ED problems and to have men understand that an erection is a good indicator of the body’s health as ED may be a warning sign of a wide range of diseases such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, hyperlipidemia and hypertension.

I usually wake with an erection.

Women hate sex in the morning if you wake them up, but if they rise before you and find the erection then they might give you the green light, but not always since a French girlfriend considered a morning erection an indication that you had been dreaming about another woman.

“Or you want to piss.”

Now you can see why men lose wood.

Women are cold and cruel, except when they aren't cold and cruel.

There is no schedule for those times.

None at all.