Jamie Parker and I were sitting on Pattaya Beach yesterday. The breeze off the water was cool and the beer cold. Neither of us dared to challenge the sun, although every farang around us was slathering their pasty bodies with sun oil, as if they were the Sunday pig roast.
"You know I don't believe in evolution." Jamie poured his beer into a glass and then added ice. Most British lager louts considered that sacrilege. We didn't care what those exiles from the Costa Brava thought. Cold beer is colder with ice.
"I more believe in de-volution." A quick glance at the sun bathers attested to this belief. The vacationers had trouble walking and only could communicate through cellphones.
"That's part of it too, but look at these monsters. Darwin is cited as having said that we evolved from apes, but most of these Russian women's ancestors appear to have mated with walruses. Or sea lions at worst."
"I've heard this spiel before." In fact I was the one who told him it. "Along with there are no fat people in the Rolling Stones movie GIMME SHELTER.
Actually the only fat people at Altamont were the lead singer from Canned Heat, a cop, a Hell's Angel, and the naked fat guy who gets killed in the afternoon.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Jamie covered his eyes.
Two Russian men were walking past us. They were sporting g-strings like BORAT extras.
"It's a disgrace. And I heard today that this fat woman in Texas had a baby and she never knew she was pregnant. Her name was April."
"Not an ex-stripper at Pig Pens?" Jamie's go-go in Pattaya for chang noi or little elephant dancers had lasted a week before the police shut it for moral indecency. Fat girls really like to talk dirty.
"No, I said an American." Jamie gets a little cranky behind a few beers and knows I like riding him in this state. "This cow goes into the hospital complaining about stomach pains and the doctors tell her she's having a baby. She weighed something like 420 pounds."
"The baby?" 420 pounds was 70 pounds more than Big Al and over twice my weight.
"No, April. The baby was normal weight."
"420 pounds. How could they have sex?"
"Sex?"
Both of us watched two obese Russians waddle past our table. It was like watching gigantic Jell-O figurines coming to life. We downed our beers and ordered two more. It would take a lot more than that to shake off that image of fat people in coitus. More like vodka. Since that’s fat-free.
"You know I don't believe in evolution." Jamie poured his beer into a glass and then added ice. Most British lager louts considered that sacrilege. We didn't care what those exiles from the Costa Brava thought. Cold beer is colder with ice.
"I more believe in de-volution." A quick glance at the sun bathers attested to this belief. The vacationers had trouble walking and only could communicate through cellphones.
"That's part of it too, but look at these monsters. Darwin is cited as having said that we evolved from apes, but most of these Russian women's ancestors appear to have mated with walruses. Or sea lions at worst."
"I've heard this spiel before." In fact I was the one who told him it. "Along with there are no fat people in the Rolling Stones movie GIMME SHELTER.
Actually the only fat people at Altamont were the lead singer from Canned Heat, a cop, a Hell's Angel, and the naked fat guy who gets killed in the afternoon.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Jamie covered his eyes.
Two Russian men were walking past us. They were sporting g-strings like BORAT extras.
"It's a disgrace. And I heard today that this fat woman in Texas had a baby and she never knew she was pregnant. Her name was April."
"Not an ex-stripper at Pig Pens?" Jamie's go-go in Pattaya for chang noi or little elephant dancers had lasted a week before the police shut it for moral indecency. Fat girls really like to talk dirty.
"No, I said an American." Jamie gets a little cranky behind a few beers and knows I like riding him in this state. "This cow goes into the hospital complaining about stomach pains and the doctors tell her she's having a baby. She weighed something like 420 pounds."
"The baby?" 420 pounds was 70 pounds more than Big Al and over twice my weight.
"No, April. The baby was normal weight."
"420 pounds. How could they have sex?"
"Sex?"
Both of us watched two obese Russians waddle past our table. It was like watching gigantic Jell-O figurines coming to life. We downed our beers and ordered two more. It would take a lot more than that to shake off that image of fat people in coitus. More like vodka. Since that’s fat-free.
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