As GW Bush comes to the end of his 2nd term, the White House has been besieged by a flurry of pardon requests most notably Roger Clemens if convicted for steroids and Charles Manson for conspiracy to murder. The president has a 1 pardon to 841 refusals record, so the Manson family patron might have trouble receiving a presidential pardon, however those odds haven't deterred my application.
Dear Mr. President of the Free World.
I am not a criminal in the standard sense of the world. The FBI can affirm that I have never been convicted of a felony in the USA. Further in-depth investigations will revealed that my record is clean. No outstanding traffic tickets or warrants, but no man is a saint. I drink beer with ice, surf porno on the internet, and contemplate the overthrow of the American government, so I can institute the Congress of go-go girls. Same crimes as most red-blooded American males over 50.
Guilty as not charged and that's why I want a pardon.
For future use.
Like a 'get out of jail' card and I'm sure you know how handy those are in the game of MONOPOLY.
Please have the FBI contact me for a character check.
Sincerely
Your faithful American.
ps I can pass most drug tests.
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